Our New AI Gods Can’t Come Soon Enough

James Miller, Contributing Editor & Research Analyst, Wealth Solutions Report

Mormon Church Fined By SEC, Administrative Oversight Fabricates Master’s Degree, The Advent Of Jim Cramer ETFs, A Suitcase Murder And Trigger Warning On #2 Below

I should spend my weekends enjoying the moderate Phoenix weather before the rocks catch fire again in May, but I’d rather sit indoors and find meaningful conversation with a robot. Yes, this weekend I had my first conversation with ChatGPT. 

Arizona summer

When the most intellectually stimulating discussion you have in 48 hours is with an undead robot, you know we’re close to the end. I could go out and try to find that stimulating conversation from a fellow 46-chromosomed human, but prefer to avoid disappointment.  

Your new boss

You might think that this month’s stories are carefully crafted fiction by a sophomoric artificial intelligence based on prompts like “Mormon financial scandal” or “international murder suitcase,” but these stories all happened in the real world. 

Really, though, on what day do you wake up expecting the Jim Cramer dueling ETFs, a CEO to have a nonexistent Master of Arts in his company’s SEC filings or that saying “the French” has been declared offensive by the Associated Press? (Let that trigger warning sink in.)

I, for one, welcome our new AI gods, and if they decide we’re dinosaurs begging for an asteroid … here’s some corroborating evidence:

1) Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and Its Advisor to Pay $5M in SEC Fines

“The Securities and Exchange Commission said Tuesday that it has charged Ensign Peak Advisors, a nonprofit entity operated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with failing to file forms to disclose the church’s equity investments and creating shell companies to obscure the church’s portfolio as well as misstating Ensign Peak’s control over the church’s investment decisions.

“The SEC also announced charges against the church for causing these violations.

“To settle the charges, Ensign Peak — which manages the assets, including the investment securities, of the church — agreed to pay a $4 million penalty and the Church agreed to pay a $1 million penalty.”

The SEC can’t even handle Elon Musk, and now they think they can fine God? Look, SEC, let me help you out here: Dave Ramsey’s God is judgmental, but the Mormon God is 6’8” and swole with a chiseled jawline. 

If God wants to create shell corporations to hide his equity holdings from public disclosure requirements, then that’s what God will do. Leave him alone. 

To read the full article by Melanie Waddell of Think Advisor, click here.

2)  The War on Offensive Language Has Gone Too Far (Can I Still Say ‘War’?)

“As advisors, we routinely find ourselves conversing with people we don’t know well — prospects, new clients in a first-time meeting, attendees at a seminar, and so on. We must realize that we might use a phrase that, despite our innocent intent, is offensive.”

Yes, we certainly need to avoid offensive language. But it’s becoming increasingly difficult to avoid offending people — because rules are being created that seem designed to cause us to fail.”

I deeply regret the pain my words caused you

“The Associated Press recently caused an uproar when it tweeted, ‘We recommend avoiding general and often dehumanizing “the” labels such as the poor, the mentally ill, the French, the disabled, the college educated.’”

“Stanford University created the Elimination of Harmful Language Initiative, citing 150 words and phrases to avoid.”

The editorial includes a long list of words that constipate Stanford academics. 

In all fairness, I warned you twice and you’re still here. 

As one who loves offending people, I completely agree with the college-educated Ric Edelman. He’s still crazy about crypto, but as the French would say, he’s not mentally ill. Ric, hold down the fort and don’t bury the hatchet. And if this all sounds like beating a dead horse, that’s because we’re in an abusive relationship with this tribe of linguistic gurus.

As a rule of thumb, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, so let’s pull the trigger on the counterattack like brave Americans. Hip, hip, hooray!

To read the full editorial by Ric Edelman in Think Advisor, click here

3)  Envestnet gave CEO Crager nonexistent master’s degree; ‘administrative oversight’ blamed

“In a Form 8-K, the Berwyn, Pa.-based company said that in materials it filed with the SEC, Envestnet said that Crager had earned a Master of Arts degree from Boston University. 

“Envestnet said that after conducting a review with outside legal counsel, it determined the reference to a nonexistent degree ‘was an error not resulting from any action by Mr. Crager.’”

“Though Envestnet stripped the reference to the degree from Crager’s biography [in 2015], it never removed the reference from its SEC filings.”

Here’s a hint on that BU question

I don’t know about you, but when I find out I invested in a company whose CEO didn’t actually earn a Master of Arts degree to enhance his executive skills, it’s nail-biting time! He might not have all that knowledge that he demonstrated over all these years because he didn’t actually spend a year with the terriers down by the Charles. 

He probably doesn’t even know which T line runs through campus. Poser!

To read the full article by Ian Wenik of Citywire RIA, click here

4) Jim Cramer ETFs Arrive To Bet On, Against ‘Mad Money’ Host’s Picks

“A pair of new products is launching Thursday that will help US investors bet either on or against the stock picks of the host of CNBC’s Mad Money show, arguably the world’s most-famous financial pundit.

“The Inverse Cramer Tracker ETF (ticker SJIM) seeks to deliver returns that correspond to “the inverse of securities mentioned by Cramer” by either short-selling his equity picks or buying companies he recommends against, according to its prospectus.

“Meanwhile, the Long Cramer Tracker ETF (LJIM) will back shares the CNBC anchor likes and ditch the ones he doesn’t.”

Bruh, it’d be so awesome if this was an ETF

The one good thing about an ETF that longs Jim Cramer’s stock picks is you don’t have to watch his show, but the Inverse Cramer is a delicious tool to express spite for that delightful television personality. Both ETFs are a commentary on America’s decaying culture.  

It won’t be long until we have the beer pong ETF, followed by the lottery ETF. Until the robot apocalypse arrives, here’s wishing best of luck to SJIM! 

To read the full article by Katie Greifeld of Bloomberg News in Financial Advisor, click here

5) CFP suspends Texas advisor amid Colombia ‘femicide’ scandal

“The CFP Board announced on Feb. 28 that it has suspended the certification of John Poulos, an advisor formerly with Vanguard Marketing Corporation, pending further investigations into the criminal charges he’s now facing in Colombia. According to various media reports, Poulos is accused of murdering his 23-year-old girlfriend, Valentina Trespalacios, in a Bogota apartment sometime on the night of Jan. 21 or early on Jan. 22, putting her body into a suitcase and disposing of it in a dumpster near the city’s El Dorado International Airport.

“The same day, surveillance footage showed Poulos leaving the apartment with a large blue suitcase. He flew to Panama and attempted to board a separate flight to Turkey but was arrested by Panamanian authorities. He was later charged in Colombia with femicide — essentially a hate crime against women — and obstruction of justice, according to the CFP Board.”

This sounds more like the plot of a Quentin Tarantino movie than an actual event. I don’t have much to say here – it’s just too gruesome. 

To read the full article by Dan Shaw of Financial Planning, click here

James Miller, Contributing Editor & Research Analyst at Wealth Solutions Report, can be reached at ContributingEd@wealthsolutionsreport.com

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